


The Auction

by Larxicana



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe, Human AU, Human Auction, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 10:11:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6234580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larxicana/pseuds/Larxicana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His dreams have finally come true. Heinz had finally been classified as a threat by the OWCA, earning him his first invitation to the Agency Auction. Here he would chose his very own nemesis to fight against for the next year. However, he doesn't realize that he himself has already been chosen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Auction

Heinz looked down at the small invitation in his hand. It was very nice quality, with heavy paper and finely printed words. He felt like he was going to a royal ball instead of an agency auction, which he still couldn’t believe. He, Heinz Doofenschmirtz, was finally high enough of a threat to get his very own secret agent! He had always dreamed of this happening, but never thought it would. That Earthquake-inator he put on top of City Hall must have really made an impression.

As he walked into the event hall downtown that had been rented for the occasion, Heinz discovered that he wasn’t the only one who was surprised he received an invitation. “Sorry, Heinz, but the _loser_ convention is on the _other_ side of town.” Heinz frowned and turned to glare at Rodney, who had a wicked smirk on his face as he crossed his arms to look down at him. A few other evil villains around him laughed.

“Yeah well, I’ve _got_ an invitation!” Heinz told him, holding up the item in question with a grin, “So ha! Who’s the loser _now_?”

Rodney lifted an eyebrow at the invitation, a little disappointed, “Mm, it seems the OWCA has fallen on hard times if they’re assigning someone like _you_ an agent. Don’t worry, this won’t last long. They’ll see that sending someone to thwart _you_ would cost far too much to be worth it.” He laughed then turned and walked through a door with a few other scientists.

Heinz mocked his words under his breath, making a face before he turned back to the registration table where a kid with curly orange hair and freckles sat. He took the invitation when it was held out to him, reading it before going through a list in front of him. He marked off Heinz’s name before holding out a paddle with a number on it. “Here you go, Dr. Doofenschmirtz.” The kid said, “I’ve got you registered. Please enter the main hall and find a seat wherever you like. We’ll be beginning shortly.”

Heinz took the paddle, eyeing the number seventeen on its face, “Thanks.” He said before turning to go through the same door Rodney had. However, once through, he stopped as his eyes widened, taking in the venue for the first time. The main room where the auction was going to be held was large and dimly lit, with red drapes covering the walls. There were round tables with white cloths draped over them scattered around the room with little candles in the middle, giving the whole place a very elegant feeling. Heinz was almost self-conscious of the fact that he had only wore his usual lab coat. Of course it didn’t help that he noticed others seemed to be dressed nicely. There had been no indication of dress code on the invitation. Then again, he had never been to one of these while everyone else had. He was very aware of the disadvantage that put him at. Hopefully he wouldn’t be stuck with a boring nemesis.

Walking through the array of tables, he saw there was one near the front with an open seat, so he moved over to take it. He smiled at the other scientists already seated there, “Hey! I haven’t seen _you_ guys in a long time! You weren’t at the last Love Muffin potluck.” The group glanced around at each other, the conversation dying out, before they laughed. Heinz wasn’t sure what was so funny, but he continued to smile anyways, until they all stood up and left, going to different tables.

The smile on Heinz’s face quickly fell as he sighed, “Of course. What else is new?” He knew this was a villain gathering, but these people were just down right _mean._ He almost wished he hadn’t come.

“No.” Heinz said to himself then, sitting up a little straighter as a burst of confidence came to him. He had just been given an invitation to an agency auction. He was going to get his very own nemesis. This was huge! He dreamed of this day! No amount of petty bullying was going to take that from him. With this new warmth in his chest, he smiled and took hold of his wooden paddle, looking towards the stage.

After a few more minutes and the addition of a few more villains, the causal music that had been playing stopped and Major Monogram stepped out from behind the heavy red curtains in a nice tux, yet another reminder that Heinz was severely under dressed.

“Good evening, villains.” He started, holding a few que cards in his hands, “Thank you all for coming. Before we begin, I want to remind everyone about the code.” Heinz’s eyes widened as he glanced around. What code? He wasn’t told about a code. Was it the dress code? Lord he hoped not. He didn’t want to be kicked out. “You come in, bid on an agent, _behave_ for one evening out of the year, and we feed you. Make sense?” Heinz grinned. Oh yeah, he could totally do that! Nothing was better than free food! “Good. Now, let me explain how this works. You were all given a paddle with a number when you registered. When you see an agent you like, you’ll raise it to place a bid. And don’t think you’re getting out of paying, because that doesn’t work! Dr. Diminutive tried that last year and it didn’t work out well, did it?” Monogram gave the short man who could barely see over the table a look.

Diminutive crossed his arms, at least it looked like it to Heinz. “No, it didn’t…” he grumbled.

“That’s right. It didn’t. So don’t try it. We know where you all live. We’ll find you.” Monogram cleared his throat into his fist, “Alright, let’s get started. We have a few new agents this year. I think you will all find someone you like.” He then turned and walked off the stage to sit at the table closest to the catwalk with the red haired kid Heinz had seen outside the door.

“Ok Carl, who’s first?” Monogram said into the microphone he was still wearing on his jacket just as dinner plates were brought out.

Carl, who Heinz assumed was the kid with the glasses and freckles, picked up a stack of papers in front of him. “Um… first we have Angel. Codename: the Albatross, or Agent A.” He said. His voice carried across the room, so he must have been wearing a microphone too.

Up on the stage, the spotlights turned towards the curtains as new music started. Soon the curtains moved to show a tall woman with long, snow white hair. She wore a standard issued OWCA jumpsuit, including the brown fedora. As she walked down the catwalk, Carl continued to speak, “Agent A is one of our new agents, just graduated last summer. She’s a very good swimmer and one of the tallest female agents we have. Don’t underestimate her – she has one hell of a knockout punch.”

Angel stopped at the end of the catwalk to put her hands on her hips. Heinz could tell she was excited and slightly nervous, as a new agent would be. She was very pretty and he almost thought about bidding on her. It would be nice to be thwarted by a beautiful woman. Angel then turned around to stop half way down the stage so she could show off her combat skills with a few dummies that popped up from the floor. She was quick, especially with her fists, as Carl has said. It didn’t take long for numbers to go flying. Carl called out the dollar amounts as he saw them, “We have two hundred, can I get three hundred?” Another paddle flew up, “Three hundred, can I get four hundred? Come on, the pipes at the agency are starting to squeak.”

The betting ended at a thousand dollars, a good price for a new agent. Heinz wouldn’t be surprised if whoever had won her bid on her because she was pretty. Excited, Angel turned and slipped back through the curtains.

“Alright next up we have Benny. Codename: the Bear, or Agent B.” Heinz looked up as the curtains opened again to show a large man, well built, with dark skin and a shaved head. He winced, nearly choking on his salad. “The Bear” was right. That man was huge! He could just imagine what a fight like _him_ would be like! “Benny ranked in the top ten in his class for boxing and can bench press several of his fellow agents at once.” Carl smiled, “When he’s not fighting crime, he enjoys pancakes and crocheting.”

Monogram gave Carl a look, “What?”

Carl turned his smile to him, “I thought it would be nice to add a little something about the agents! You know, so they could get to know each other.”

“That is nice!” Someone in the back shouted, earning a brighter smile from the kid.

“Why didn’t you say anything when Angel was up?” Monogram asked with a raised eyebrow.

Carl looked sheepish, “I forgot.” Monogram just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Heinz didn’t care what the major said, he thought it was a nice touch too. Maybe, whatever nemesis he got, they could be… frenemies! Beat the crap out of each other then sit down to enjoy some lemonade. He had a killer lemonade recipe he was dying to try out.

After Benny demonstrated a few combat techniques and his ability to easily pick up the biggest and heaviest villain in the room, he was quickly chosen by said villain. Heinz was happy for them. He felt like they would get along well.

They continued down the list of agents, going in alphabetical order. Charlotte (Codename: the Canary) was picked by a female villain who liked her voice and ability to break glass with it. Duggy (Codename: the Dog) was picked for his cool, laid back personality and ability to catch anything that was thrown at him. Heinz had to admit, there were some good agents up there. However, he hadn’t touched his paddle, and not because he had been shoveling the pasta salad down like a starving man. It might have sounded strange, but he just didn’t feel a… connection with any of them. Yes they were going to be nemeses, but that didn’t mean he was just going to randomly pick someone! He would know when the time was right, he could feel it.

“Now we have Denis. Codename: The Duck, or Agent D.” Carl read from his papers. He went off on a description, but Heinz wasn’t listening as he watched the curtains separate, showing a tall, thin man with a mess of dark green hair and pale skin. As he walked forward, he met Heinz’s gaze and stopped, before glaring, pushing his hat forward, farther down the front of his head.

“You!” Heinz shouted, standing up to point at him, “You bastard! You know what you did!” Denis held up his hands, motioning Heinz to come at him, and he almost did, had the table not gotten in the way.

“Heinz, sit down!” Monogram shouted, glaring over at him.

“He started it!” Heinz shouted, pointing at the agent, “You always take his side!”

“ _You_ were the one that flooded the agency basement, not Agent D!”

“I was framed!”

Rodney cackled where he sat with a few other villains, “Maybe I’ll bid on _this_ one, if he managed to get Doofenschmirtz’s panties in a bunch without even touching him!”

Heinz turned to glare at him, “Can it, Rodney!”

“Heinz! Either you sit down and shut up, or you leave!” Monogram told him, “And no, you won’t be getting the gift basket we you’re kicked out!”

Heinz stood there, mulling over his options, before he flopped back in his seat and crossed his arms. “Fine.” He spat, glaring up at Denis, “You’re lucky I really want that gift basket.” Agent D straightened and sent him a glare in return. The tension in the room didn’t leave until he went back stage. Heinz felt bad for whoever won that guy. Thankfully, more food was brought out, which helped as a pleasant distraction.

After the tension was over with, Carl continued down the list as agent after agent came out. Some new, some that he had seen before. As soon as Peter (Codename: the Panda) came out, Carl barely had enough time to read off anything about him before Professor Mystery jumped up and shouted: “Mine! Mine! I call him!” Heinz rolled his eyes. He might not have been to one of these before, but they all knew that Professpr Mystery _always_ got Peter, no matter how much it cost.

At this point, Heinz started to feel a little deflated. His first agency auction, his first real nemesis, and he had nothing. They were in the P’s and he still hadn’t found someone he liked. There couldn’t be too many left. If he didn’t bid on someone, he would end up getting the last person to come out, and what if he didn’t like him? He would be stuck with that person for an entire _year_ before the auction came around again. With a sigh, Heinz poked at the chocolate cake in front of him. It was his favorite, Black Forest, but he was too down to eat much of it. Maybe it was a waste of time to come. Maybe Rodney was right, he wasn’t worthy of his own nemesis.

“Ok, so far so good.” Carl spoke as he shuffled his papers around.

“Yes,” Monogram agreed, “Things have gone smoothly this year, so far. It’s refreshing. I think we might have to increase the size of the goodie bag for this.” A few excited murmurs went through the crowd. “So who’s next?”

“Let me see… Oh!” Carl grinned and held up the next file, “How exciting!” He showed it to the major, who had just about the same reaction.

“Oh-ho, that is exciting.” Monogram agreed.

“Do you want to read him off, sir?”

“No no, I don’t want to mess up the rhyme. You go ahead.”

“Alright.” Carl fixed his glasses, “Our next agent is brand new, fresh out of training. He scored the highest marks in every single one of his classes and he’s the youngest male agent we have.”

Heinz heard a snort from another table, “Sounds like a goodie-goodie two shoes kid.” This earned a few laughs.

“Ooo an honor roll student! I’m so scared!” Another, a female this time, spoke in a mocking tone, earning a few more laughs. Heinz probably would have laughed too, if he wasn’t feeling so down.

Carl looked up from his paper with a grin as the background music started to play. Something smooth with a saxophone, really jazzy. “Oh I like this song!”

“ _Carl.”_

“Sorry, sir. Our next agent is Perry. Codename: the Platypus.” The room erupted with laughs at the codename given to the agent. What was so scary about a guy named _platypus?_ Everyone knew platypuses didn’t do much! What was this guy going to do, stare at them with unfocused eyes?

Just then the beat of the song picked up with strong drums and notes. As the curtain pulled back, the laughter in the room died in an instant, as though it had been sucked up by a vacuum. Heinz wouldn’t be surprised. He knew _he_ was suddenly breathless. Just behind the curtains stood a young man dressed in black, from his polished shoes, to his fitted pants, to his button up shirt. He wore a striking green tie, neatly done in an impressive knot and clipped to his shirt with a silver bar. The sleeves of his shirt had been rolled up to his elbows, showing his arms were lean, probably like the rest of him, and his skin was dusted tan. Around his wrist was a black-banded watch and on his head he wore the standard issued fedora. However, what really captivated the audience was his sharp, chocolate eyes. They seemed to take in everyone and everything in the entire room with just a glance.

As the agent walked forward, his perfect shoes clicked ever so slightly against the polished wood. With every step he took, confidence oozed off him in waves It was like nothing could touch him, though Heinz found he wouldn’t mind if he was the exception. The man stopped in the middle of the walkway so he could reach up and take off his hat, showing his teal hair had been shaved on both sides of his head, but left long in the middle, and run his fingers through it before putting the hat back on.

Heinz suddenly wasn’t hungry, but for a completely different reason.

“Perry is 5’4”, but don’t let his size fool you.” Carl continued, “He can easily take ten people twice his size at once.”

Right on que, a group of men that were considerably bigger than Perry came out and surrounded him. There were only four of them, due to the size of the stage, but Heinz certainly wouldn’t have messed with them. Perry glanced at them, but that was the only movement he made until his attackers moved first. One grabbed him roughly by the shoulder, causing Perry to slide one foot back, bracing himself as he grabbed the man’s hand and easily tossed him over his shoulder and into the floor as the other attackers moved out of the way. He then turned in one smooth motion and landed a punch right on another man’s jaw. Before Perry could move, he was grabbed around the waist and lifted up into the air by one of the two still standing. Without losing his cool, Perry tossed his feet high into the air above his head and his attacker’s then threw them down, his whole body going with the motion. He curled down, knees hitting the floor as the man holding him flew forward and fell off the stage. Perry then turned the one man left, who had his hands up and a snarl on his face.

Then it happened, and if Heinz had blinked, he would have missed it. The agent smirked. It was small, very slight, but it was the first sign that there was a man underneath that serious look.

With a quick motion of his hand, Perry egged the man on, earning a growl. The attacker rushed forward, throwing quick punch after punch. Perry easily blocked or deflected them with the back of his hand or forearm until the man tossed a high punch meant for his head. Perry bent his knees, ducking under the swing, though the wind behind the punch was still enough to knock his hat off his head. He then lifted his leg so he could kick the man with full force in the gut, sending him flying off the front of the stage and onto a table, causing the people sitting at it to jump and shout.

Heinz stared in amazement, totally awestruck by the amount of skill and cool this agent had. Yes, he had seen some pretty impressive things that night - like when Agent G showed off his stealth skills by disappearing without anyone noticing - but this was something totally different. Heinz watched as the young agent leaned over to pick up his hat, brushing it off before placing it neatly on his head. As he lifted his gaze, he caught the scientist’s eyes, causing Heinz to sit up straighter. Perry held his gaze for a moment, long enough for the doctor to realize he was holding his breath, before turning away to move back into the middle of the walk way. Heinz tried to swallow, but he realized his throat was too dry.

“He’s also a master of escape.” Heinz shook himself from his daze as the nasally voice of Carl came back over the room. The boy looked up, “Are you going to demonstrate, Agent P?” Perry looked down at him and nodded. “Oh ok, cool.”

Peter came out from behind the curtain with a pair of cuffs in his hands. When Perry heard the clink of the metal, he moved his hands behind his back, his expression never changing as they were strapped on far tighter than they needed to be. Heinz could tell by how they cut into the skin. “Can you move at all, Agent P?” Carl asked, earning a shake of the head from Perry. “Ok I’ll time you, alright? On your mark, get set… go!”

Quickly Perry dropped down to his knees, then his butt. He leaned forward so he could slip the chain of the cuff up under him, until they were at the base of his thighs. He then sat back up before straightening his legs up into the air. Heinz watched with amazement as the agent easily moved the cuffs up the length of his legs to his feet, bending himself nearly in half to get them over his shoes.

When did the room get so hot?

As soon as the cuffs were in front of him, Perry put his feet down and started to wiggle his shoulders, shaking his head back and forth. Heinz wasn’t sure what he was doing until he saw a teal bobby pin fall from his hair to land on his shoulder. Quickly, Perry tilted his head to catch it before it fell and picked it up with his tongue to pull it into his mouth.

Were they sitting in a _volcano_?

Perry worked his jaw to turn the pin around before pushing it out between his teeth so he could hold it while he wiggled it around the lock of the first cuff. In no time, it popped open and he took the pin from his mouth so he could undo the second one. He then dropped the cuff to the ground with a clatter.

“Time!” Carl shouted, looking down at his watch, “3.5 seconds!”

Heinz’s eyes widened. That was it? That whole display was only a few seconds long? It felt like _hours!_

“Well done, Agent P!” Perry stood up and handed the cuff to Peter, nodding to Carl in return. “Oh! That reminds me. Agent P doesn’t speak, but he can write and understand over thirty languages.”

“Handcuffs are nothing!” Heinz’s turned a glare to Rodney as the man crossed his arms. However, there was a glimmer to his eyes that the doctor didn’t like. “Let’s see something more difficult.”

Perry looked over at the man before wordlessly taking a few steps back. He separated his ankles and held out his arms so that Peter could come over and lock tight metal bands around his limbs. After the man stepped back, the bands started to glow, beeping a few times before suddenly he was lifted off the ground and flipped upside-down in one quick motion. Heinz wasn’t even the one in the trap and he felt dizzy from the motion. The two bands around Perry’s wrists were suddenly drawn together behind him with a click. There would be no wiggle room like with the chain in the handcuffs. His ankles were also kept in place, show by him wiggling his feet a little.

Perry looked over at Carl as his hat slipped off his head and fell to the floor. He gave him a nod. “Ok your time starts… now!”

The agent’s eyes snapped down to his hat, laying on its top. He arched his back, stretching out his spine as far as it could go so he could reach it. It took a few tries, but he finally grabbed it in his teeth. He pulled the brim farther into his mouth so he could give it a good, firm bite, causing the black band to light up and blink a few times. Suddenly the lights on the metal cuffs around his limbs started to blink, skipping out here and there, before they went black. Perry dropped from his position in the air, hitting the stage on his back with a thud loud enough to cause Heinz and a few other to flinch. However, Perry’s face stayed focused, showing no sign of pain. Without losing a beat, the agent rolled back onto his shoulders and the back of his neck so he could roll his hips close enough to his mouth that he could grab a pen from his pocket with his teeth.

Heinz wondered if he was the only one who noticed the level of flexibility this agent had.

Perry lowered his hips back onto the ground so he could bring one of his ankles close enough to the pen so that when he bit into it, a small, thin laser would shoot out and hit a small circle just under the ring that had been lit up not long ago. Within seconds, the band popped open and fell to the floor, causing him to quickly move on to the other one. When his feet were free, he stood and turned so the audience could see his still cuffed hands behind his back clearly. Perry dropped the pen from his mouth to his shoulder, where he shifted a little to get it to point in the right direction. He then pressed his jaw into the pen, causing the laser to shoot out and hit one of the cuff on his wrists. Once one hand was free, he grabbed the pen and brought his other hand around to unlock the band. Perry then met Rodney’s eyes as he took the band and dropped it to the ground with a loud thud, the message clear behind his gaze.

_Anymore questions?_

Heinz glanced over to see that for once, Rodney was quietly leaning back in his chair. “9.4 seconds!” Carl announced with a grin, “I think that’s faster than last time! Way to put on a show, Agent P.” The man glanced over at him, but leaned down to pick up his hat, putting it back on. “As if he hasn’t proven himself enough with his impressive ability to escape almost any restraint he’s put into, Agent P is also quite agile.” Carl looked up at him, “Are you going to show that too? Ya know, you really should have told me what you were going to do _before_ the show started.”

Perry rolled his eyes, but gave a nod to confirm the man’s question. His sharp eyes then looked out across the audience. Without another thought, he stepped off the stage and onto the table right in front of it.

“Hey, hey!” Monogram shouted, “There’s a deposit on that! Get your filthy shoes off it!”

Perry raised an eyebrow at him before lifting his shoe to show there was no smug mark on the white cotton whatsoever. Carl gave the major a look, “Did you really expect anything less?”

Monogram sighed and held his chin with his hand as he placed his elbow on the table, “No. I just wanted to find something to yell at him about.”

Satisfied, Perry turned his attention back to what he was doing. He walked across the table with ease before stepping to another, and then another. Heinz realized a little too late that the agent was now standing on his table, looking down at him with those dark brown eyes. He tried to swallow again, but found he couldn’t. Perry held his gaze for a moment before reaching down and plucking the aviators from his jacket pocket. “Hey!” Heinz protested at first, until Perry opened them and put them on. The doctor wanted to swallow his tongue. “O-or you can have them.” And then there it was again, that ever so slight twitch in the corner of the agent’s mouth, that smile that was barely there.

Before Heinz could react, the agent was off to another table until he reached the back of the room. He turned around, studying something with those calculating eyes before he turned back around and put his arms out straight at his sides. With a good push from his bent legs, he threw himself backwards, landing on the table behind him on his hands, missing any dinner plates, before pushing off again to land on another table on his feet. He continued his flipping motion until he landed with barely a sound back on the wooden stage.

Monogram gave his agent a look, “And he’s a bit of a show off.” He grumbled, earning the same look in return.

Carl laughed and gave his major a nudge with his elbow, “Ok let’s see.” He looked over the file in his hand, “When Perry isn’t fighting crime, he enjoys swimming or laying out in the sun to take a nap.”

Turning his gaze back to the audience, Perry removed the sunglasses and folded them up again. He met Heinz’s gaze, holding them up with a raise of his brow before he gently tossed them back to him. Heinz fumbled to catch them for a moment but ther fell to the ground, causing his ears to burn as he leaned down to pick them up. When he sat back up, he saw Perry was still watching him, expecting something. Heinz froze up, not sure what to do or how to act with eyes like those watching him. Finally Perry’s lips twitched as he motioned to his own chest. Confused, Heinz looked down, finally noticing something in his jacket pocket where his glasses had been. Curious, he took it out and looked at it. “ _Hello, Dr. Doofenshrimtz.”_ It read in handwritten letters. Shocked, the doctor looked up, feeling his face warm yet again as Perry watched him in amusement.

“Alright, I think that’s enough showing off.” Monogram spoke, taking the auction book from Carl, “Agent P is our best, so I think a fair starting price would be a grand.”

Carl’s eyes widened, “But sir-!”

“Done!” The two turned to see that Heinz had finally lifted his paddle up, showing some interest in the auction. Doctor’s eyes didn’t miss the ever so slight nod of approval from the agent in question.

“I’ll double that!” Surprised, Perry looked over to see that Rodney had lifted his paddle as well. Soon more lifted into the air and Carl had to snatch the auction book away from the major so he could keep track.

Heinz looked round the room as more numbers were called out, hardly about to keep up with where they were at. Figures. The one agent he was interested in, everyone else was too. Frowning, his arm slunk back down as he did, until he heard a soft clicking sound through the madness. Heinz looked up to see that Perry was still watching him. The agent held up his pointer and thumb, as though he were holding a card, then flicked his wrist. The evil scientist was confused for a moment before he looked back down at the card that he had found in his pocket. He turned it over to see there was more writing.

“ _1 st ever nemesis.”_

Heinz’s eyes widened at the message. This whole night, the invitation, the auction, dealing with bullies, it was all for one thing. He was finally a big enough threat to get an agent assigned to him! All night he had been excited for this, yet hadn’t lifted his paddle once because it just hadn’t felt right. But now, here he sat in front of a guy that was, if he was going to be honest, far too good for someone like him, but a guy who seemed to… believe in him? Was that the right word? Maybe that was too strong of a phrase for whatever was going on here, but Heinz knew one thing. All night he had waited for an agent that just felt right, and that one had finally came. Damn it, he was going to be the best evil scientist in the world! Which meant he would need the best secret agent in the world! Not Rodney, or any of these other losers were going to keep that from him!

“A hundred thousand!”

Heinz felt his heart drop when he heard that number. The whole room had gotten quiet in astonishment at the amount of money someone had just put up, easily the highest number of the night, and Heinz knew it. How could he compete with money like _that?_ Well, so much for the mental pep talk he had just given himself. Heinz could only hope now that he wasn’t stuck with Agent Silent G. That would be awkward.

Carl seemed to come back to himself after his initial shock, shaking his head. “Um… wow. Ok. Any other bids?” He looked around the room, “Anyone? No? Alright, Agent P, you’re assigned to number seventeen.”

Heinz lifted his head, confused. Number seventeen? Wasn’t _he_ number seventeen? Looking up, he realized that his paddle was raised high in the air, that _he_ was the one that shouted. Shocked, he dropped the paddle and lowered his hand, looking back towards the stage, where Perry stood with a smile, the first one bigger than just a twitch of the lips all night. He gave him a thumbs up. Slowly it sunk in that Heinz had actually _won._ He actually won a nemesis! And not _just_ a nemesis, but the best damn agent OWCA had!

“Ah ha!” He finally cried, laughing, “Yeah baby!” He turned to look at Rodney, who seemed just as shocked as everyone else. “In your _face_ , Rodney! Who’s the loser now? Huh? Huh?! Oh, I’m _sorry_ , I can’t _hear_ you over the amount of _awesome_ over here! Oh, oh, who’s got OWCA’s top agent for a nemesis? This guy! Right here! _And what_?!” He stood up from his chair and put his hands to his ears so he could wiggle his fingers and stick his tongue out at Rodney like a child. He did this until he realized his new nemesis was watching. Heinz dropped his hands, feeling his face warm again as he vaguely wondered if this would be a recurring theme now. However, when Perry’s shoulders seemed to shake a little in a silent laugh, he found he didn’t care.

“No!” Heinz turned his attention back to Rodney when he shouted, watching the man stand up. “I won’t allow it! You just became a threat! A _minor_ threat! You don’t deserve to have a nemesis like that!”

“Um, excuse me. He is a _man_ , not a _that_. That’s really rude, Rodney, even for you. You can’t just go around calling people _that_. It’s so unprofessional!” Heinz put his hands on his hips and frowned, but watched as Rodney pulled a tiny gun from his pocket. Unimpressed, Heinz raised an eyebrow, “Really? Really? What is that? A laser for ants? Seriously? What are you going to do with that, hurt my big toe? Give me a slight pinch? Annoy one area of skin until- oh.” Heinz’s eyes widened as he watched the gun grow ten times the tiny version until it was big enough to rest on Rodney’s shoulder. Heinz’s arms dropped from his hips, “Well sh-…”

Suddenly there was a deafening book and Heinz fell to the ground. He thought he had been hit, but a quick look up revealed that Perry had jumped from the stage and tackled him to the ground out of the shock wave of the ray. “Perry!” Heinz shouted in alarm, but the agent wasn’t paying attention to him now. He had work to do.

Heinz scrambled to his feet when Perry grabbed his wrist and run out of the way of another blast, causing people around the room to let out startled screams. Some rushed for the exit, some got out of the way so they could watch. Rodney fired off a few more times, causing Perry to abruptly stop or grab Heinz to push him out of the way. Finally they made it to the side of the stage where Perry pushed Heinz down. The doctor watched as he sent Carl and Monogram a silent look that seemed to completely convey his message before he turned and leapt over the stage.

“Perry, wait!” Heinz shouted, moving to stand up to try and stop him, but he was grabbed by Monogram and forced back down.

“Damn it man! Stay down! He’s trying to protect you!”

Heinz looked at him with wide eyes, “That’s what I’m afraid of!” He pulled his arm out of the major’s hold so he could peer over the side of the stage. He watched as Perry ran around the room, dodging the shock waves fired out by Rodney. It seemed the man had totally forgotten about Heinz for the moment, focusing on the agent instead. The display on the stage really hadn’t done Perry’s skills justice, now that he was sitting here watching him in live combat for his life. The way he looked so focused, so confident in his movements… he wondered if this was what it would be like when they fought against each other.

“Hold still, damn it!” Rodney shouted as he fired one wave after the other at the man running around the room, nearly taking out his fellow villains in the process. Perry paused behind a flipped over table before he rushed out and grabbed a chair, throwing it as hard as he could at Rodney. The man laughed and shot the chair with his gun, “Ha! You’re going to have to do better than that!” He shouted but he gasped when suddenly Perry was right in front of him, pushing through the broken pieces of wood. He raised his fist, teeth baring, then slammed it into his face, knocking the scientist on his back, dropping the massive gun in the process.

Rodney groaned and sat up, rubbing his jaw, but stopped when Perry stepped closer, glaring down at him. Amazingly, the scientist grinned, “See? Wasn’t that amazing? There’s no way Doofenshrimtz can give you a fight like that! You should be my nemesis instead!”

Heinz raised an eyebrow, looking down at Monogram and Carl to catch their unimpressed and pained looks. “Oh brother. How pathetic.” Monogram mumbled.

Heinz turned his gaze back to Perry, watching as the man studied the broken one on the floor. He had to wonder… would Perry take his offer? To be his nemesis instead? He had to admit, a shock wave ray was pretty cool, though he bet it had a really lame name. Rodney was never as good at naming things as he was. Heinz bit his lip though.

“What do you say?” Rodney asked, hopeful.

Perry raised an eyebrow at him before looking down at the large gun at his feet. He lifted a foot and placed it on top before slowly and steadily applying pressure. The plastic casing started to crack before the whole thing gave out and crushed under his polished shoes, sparks flying everywhere. He then leaned forward and grabbed the man by the front of his shirt, lifting him up. Rodney seemed to take his as a good sign, as he started to smile, but that didn’t last long after Perry lifted his fist and punched him hard enough to knock him out. The agent then tossed him back onto the floor, standing up straight to brush his hands together.

Heinz broke out in a grin, jumping up from his spot behind the stage before rushing over to the agent. “You did it! Oh my god, that was _amazing_! Is that what it’s going to be when _we_ fight? I can’t wait! I mean, not for the blacking _out_ part. That doesn’t sound like fun, but the action packed part! You were all like _boom bow_! And Rodney was all like _ahhhh no save me!_ And you were like _roar_! And and…” Heinz stopped, his breath racing when he realized Perry was just watching him with an amused look. “Um,” He felt his face warm again, looking down.

“Good job, Agent P!” Heinz looked up to see Monogram and Carl had come over, shaking the agent’s hand. “Took him down without even breaking a sweat, just like I would expect!” Monogram frowned down at the limp body of Rodney, “Disgusting. Well, I know _someone_ who isn’t getting their goodie basket.”

Carl turned to the major with hopeful eyes, “Oh oh! Can I have it? Pleaseee?”

Monogram rolled his eyes, “Fine. But I better not find candy wrappers all over my office!” Carl let out a cheer before he rushed off to find his new gift while Monogram motioned two agents over to cuff Rodney and take him away. He turned to Heinz, “Well congratulations, Heinz, you’ve got your very first nemesis.” He grinned and patted his shoulder, “It was nice knowing you.” He then turned to follow the two agents taking Rodney away.

Heinz frowned and mocked the major’s voice before he remembered that Perry was still standing there, watching him. He looked down at him, finally realizing that yes, the man was indeed shorter than him, but could pack quite a punch. That part he wasn’t looking forward to. “So uh… if I’m going to be honest, it kinda seems like you wanted to be my nemesis too.”

Perry tilted his head and shrugged, making a face, but he couldn’t hold it. Instead he smiled again.

“You did! You _did_ want to be my nemesis! Is that what the card was all about? Oh you _sly_ dog! You were planning this from the beginning! Wait wait, how did you _know_ you wanted to be my nemesis? There were so many other evil geniuses here.”

Perry’s smile turned into a smirk as he shook his finger at him.

“Oh no _fair_! You’re not going to tell me?” Heinz pouted a little, “Meanie.”

The agent’s shoulders shook a little again, causing the doctor to smile.

Finally, Perry held out his hand, causing Heinz to look at it. With a grin, he took it and gave it a firm shake. “Well, Perry the Platypus, I want you to know, tonight has been a lot of fun, but the next time we meet, it will be on the battle field!” Perry nodded before taking his hand back and pulling another card from his pocket. He snatched the pen from Heinz’s pocket, earning a small ‘hey!’ of protest before he used the man’s shoulder as a writing surface. The doctor stood very still, unsure as to what he should do, until he we being handed the card. He looked down at it:

“ _I’m looking forward to it._ ” Heinz turned it over and read the back, “ _Until next time, Dr. D.”_ He lifted his eyes back to Perry just in time to watch him slip the pen back into his pocket and give him a look that caused him to feel warm again. Heinz decided that after all the events of tonight, these new partnership they had might be more than just a rivalry.


	2. Epilogue

“Quite an evening, wasn’t it?”

Perry looked up as he slipped behind the stage, finding Peter leaning against the wall so he could peer outside the curtain at the mess room. “I think we’re going to lose our deposit.”

The young agent walked over to where he stood, finally taking a look at what the eventful night looked like. He was right. This place was a mess. Hopefully the major wouldn’t take it too hard. However, Perry just shrugged. It would suck, but he did what he had to do. Besides, Rodney was the one who destroyed most of the place. He was confident that they would make him pay for it.

“Yeah you’re right.” Peter commented, “Not really our problem.” He paused, “First nemesis assignment tonight. You got a rookie. I wonder how that’s going to go.”

Perry glanced up at him to see he was watching him, studying him for a moment, before looking back out to see Heinz was still standing awkwardly in the room. He nudged a broken table with his foot, before looking around like he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. Then Carl came up to him with a large basket wrapped in plastic and his face lit up. Perry couldn’t keep from smiling too.

“You read his case files, didn’t you?” The young agent finally stood up to look at Peter, crossing his arms. “I thought so. You know that was against the rules.” Perry simply shrugged, causing Peter to chuckle, “Oh come now, you’re the one with the best test scores out of every graduating agent and the ones already enlisted. Don’t tell me you didn’t know. Ah, no, you _do_ know, you just don’t care.” Perry met his gaze, but made no move to defend himself. Peter shifted against the wall he was leaning against, “What’s so special about Doofenschmirtz anyways?” He moved the curtain a little to look back out, “He doesn’t look like anything special to me.”

Perry glanced out too, watching as Heinz sat at the only table left standing as he went through his goodie bag with delight. “You had Rodney begging on his knees for you to fight him, and in turn you knocked his teeth out.” Peter continued, “You had every single villain eating out of the palm of your hand with your little performance. Why push so hard for a guy like that?”

The young agent met his coworker’s gaze and held it for a moment as though to think over his words. Instead he smirked, lowering his head as he closed his eyes. He then opened them, giving Peter a look that spoke of his answer before he turned to walk away, putting his hands in his pockets.

“You shouldn’t get attached.” Peter called after him, “He’s your nemesis now. You’ll have to do what must be done.”

Perry glanced over his shoulder at him but continued towards the exit. Oh, he knew what had to be done. That was why he had picked the doctor in the first place. And if he was going to have his way, it would never stop.


End file.
